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“The wound is the place where the light enters you” ~ Rumi
I wish to address the “stigma and misconceptions” surrounding mental health and in particular the trauma, often untreated, of the wounds of childhood, and offer hope and strategies to help.
As a child therapist, I have had the privilege of hearing from boys and girls, young and old, who told me that their mummies didn’t love them as they should.
“If I was my mother, I wouldn’t drink,” one 8-year-old said. His father was in prison and his mother was at the pub. Luckily he had an excellent GRAND-mummy who was raising him and bringing him to therapy to help with his anger issues.
“My mother wanted custody of my sister, but she didn’t come for me. She doesn’t want me. She doesn’t love me. I’m no good,” a 12-year-old boy referred, also for anger issues, told me.
“I want to kill myself,” a 10-year-old boy sobbed. “My mother is always yelling at me. The more I try to do to make her happy, the more chores she gives me and then she shouts when I can’t do it all. She wouldn’t care if I died.”
Look into their mother’s history, as I helped these children do, and as I have done to heal my own wounds, and they discover that their mothers are walking wounded. Their mummies (and daddies) rather than learn from their childhoods victimise all or some of their children.
One woman, now in her mid-fifties, was the daughter of a mother raised by an alcoholic. “I don’t remember my mother ever being sober,” her mother once confided in her. “And my father flew into violent rages” (and so did her husband).
A child of divorced parents once said to her mother, “If you don’t love my dad that means you don’t love half of me.”
I can see the logic, but also the mistaken belief – because her mother had raised her on her own and had given her more love than 202 fathers ever could.
Reflecting now, I wonder if a mother doesn’t or can’t love her daughter perhaps there is 50 per cent or more about herself that she doesn’t love either. Perhaps because of the damage inflicted by her mummy (or daddy) too.
Only love loves. It’s often a hard lesson to learn. So many unloved children suffer from mental illnesses, which if left unexamined extends into adulthood.
“I was four or five I ran away from home. It’s my earliest memory of wanting to find someone to love me,” a client shared with me. “I think my mother-story started at birth. I was the first-born— a girl. Not the son my parents wanted. But perhaps the daughter upon whom my father doted. They quickly tried again. My brother, my mother’s favourite, arrived with lungs that never stopped yelling, 11 months after I was born.”
“Don’t show off,” her mother scolded my client, then a child, when she would come home from school with A’s. “Don’t do so well, you know your three brothers find school hard.”
She told me that all of her siblings later excelled commercially.
“Don’t do this. Don’t do that. Don’t be that. Don’t wear that. Don’t say that. Whack! Don’t be left-handed,” she was told with smack and smack.
“Don’t! Don’t. I soon lost myself. I became a mummy pleaser. Or, rather, I tried. Bending over to try to be loved, keeping quiet when I wanted to cry or share something that made me happy. I pursued careers in accounting and banking to make my parents happy—at the cost of my own mental and emotional health.”
I can assure you people-pleasing is not a winner’s strategy. If someone has taken a dislike to you, sometimes, like a person who hates eating fish, their distaste never changes.
Nor should you.
If you can’t be loved by your mother unconditionally then love yourself unconditionally. Warts, pimples, freckles, flaws and extraordinary talents and all. Because you are a star. We all are. Some stars live in dark galaxies, and others need to live in the light to shine brightly.
Promise me you won’t play small to make others feel tall. Be greater today than the story of your past.
In John Dufresne’s excellent guide to writing a novel, Is Life Like This? he writes:
“We read novels because we need stories; we crave them; we can’t live without telling them and hearing them. Stories are how we make sense of our lives and of the world. When we’re distressed and go to therapy, our therapist’s job is to help us tell our story. Life doesn’t come with plots; it’s messy and chaotic; life is one damn, inexplicable thing after another. And we can’t have that. We insist on meaning. And so we tell stories so that our lives make sense.”
Everyone’s mean-mother story is unique. As one of my clients shared, “My issues with my Mum were a bit different. She definitely had a victim mentality and while she would say she was proud of me and my brother with our achievements, there was always a little dig about how much luckier we were than she was. She ‘took umbrage’ (her words) to everything and always seemed to turn an innocuous comment into a personal attack on her. Threatened suicide several times which meant every time I had a fight with her, I had to ring one of her friends afterwards to check in on her to make sure she hadn’t done anything stupid. I think when Dad left (when I was 15), she defined herself as a divorced woman and never recovered.”
Of course, it’s not just mums that can be mean, or manipulative. There’s plenty of mean and toxic dads out there. If you think you were or are unlucky to have your mum or dad, I promise you one day you’ll look back and you’ll understand why you had your parents.
Like my book coaching client Heather who channelled her lack of love into teaching and later became a children’s self-empowerment author.
Similarly, author and creator of Hay House books, Louise Hay who was sexually and emotionally abused as a child, transformed her wounds into wisdom. Hay’s success lay in highlighting the power of our words to both heal and harm.
David Chase, the creator of The Sopranos, based Livia heavily on his own mother, Norma Chase. He described her as being paranoid, sharp-tongued, abusive, and disregarding her son’s career achievements. Many of Livia’s memorable lines, such as “Poor you” (something my mother said whenever I tried to tell her how I felt) are what Norma Chase would say. Rather than be victimised he spent time in psychotherapy and channelled his experiences of growing up with a narcissistic mother into the mother of gangster Tony Sopranos.
Kiwi songbird, Kiri Te Kanawa, shared how her childhood wounds taught her an important life lesson. Kiri was born in Gisborne, New Zealand, on March 6, 1944, into a family that was too poor to keep her and she was adopted. “I learned early on to be self-reliant,” she once shared.
Actress Drew Barrymore divorced both her parents when she was fifteen.
In short, it’s easy to imagine who you may have become had your mother (or father) been kinder, nicer, sweeter.
But what if the real tragedy is, who would you not have become had life treated you differently? What if your life unfolded exactly as it should? What if there was a divine plan? There’s magic in believing that!
“Go laugh in the places you cried. Change the narrative. Everything aligns.”
Which is why I write my books, especially those in the Transformational Super Kids series. Doesn’t the girl on my cover looks so happy!
If you’ve suffered at the hands of a mean or deranged parent here are just a few of some of the helpful resources I have found:
6 Signs You Have A Toxic Mother
https://www.bustle.com/articles/123975-6-signs-you-have-a-toxic-mother
Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt
Drawn from research and the real-life experience Peggy Streep has channelled her childhood experiences into an eye-opening exploration of the darker side of maternal behaviour and offers support.
The Power Is Within You
Louise Hay, who suffered emotional and sexual abuse as a child, narrating an excerpt from her Audiobook
Reprogram Your Mind Through Affirmations
My favourite hypnotherapist Marisa Peer shares empowering affirmations and examples from her life, including being told that she was ugly and wasn’t as smart as her brother. Learn to break the emotional blueprint of your parents; Discover the healing power of expressing your thoughts in a believing mirror – and making it funny.
5 Ways Being Too Nice Can Hurt You
Kindness is always cool, but being a pushover can hurt you. Here’s a great article to help
How To Fail With Elizabeth Day
Many people with mother-wounds battle a failure mindset. This podcast celebrates the things that haven’t gone right. Every week, a new interviewee explores what their failures taught them about how to succeed better.
https://overcast.fm/itunes1407451189/how-to-fail-with-elizabeth-day
Complex Trauma
Many children whose mummies don’t love them can suffer from mental health challenges later in life. This article explores how ‘complex trauma’ can affect children and common effects. So often diagnosis sparks the beginning of healing. If you or someone you know has suffered from childhood neglect seeking the help of a skilled therapist can be life-changing.
https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects
Why would a mother sabotage her daughter’s success? You may be surprised how common it is
And here’s a few thoughts from me:
Happy people don’t attack others, the young woman reminded herself. Happy people don’t talk like this.
The little princess suddenly felt grateful for what the nurse was teaching her.
The little princess knew she would never be able to find and honour her soul purpose if she kept trying to please others.
The little princess would never be true to herself if she feared disapproval.
The little princess would never share her gifts and talents and passion with the world if she stayed small and showed no courage.
Follow your bliss dear readers—don’t let anyone stop you from sharing your passion and purpose with the world.
Much love
xxxx
To enjoy your copy from Amazon, click here: viewbook.at/WhyDoesntMummyLoveMe
To enjoy your copy from iBooks, Barnes & Noble and other great bookstores, click here: https://books2read.com/u/38MdW6
To enjoy your copy from Kobo, click here:
https://www.kobo.com/en/ebook/why-doesn-t-my-mummy-love-me
AUDIOBOOK
Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/audiobook/why-doesn-t-mummy-love-me
WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT
Love yourself unconditionally. Be a magic mummy!
When Annie’s mummy is mean to her she tries harder to please her, but nothing works. She believes she’s unlovable and thinks she’s bad. Until her friend, Lulu shares her story and tells Annie that some mummies don’t know how to love.
This is a classic, empowering book that every child, teenager and adult should have the joy of reading.
With a unique combination of beautifully simple stories, comforting words, and powerful uplifting messages, Cassandra has been delighting young children, teenagers and adults for over fifty years.
Cassandra cuts to the heart of the lesson we all need to hear, over and over again, helping us learn to self-soothe, surround ourselves with positive influences, be empowered and love ourselves unconditionally.
Creator of the delightfully beautiful and courageous, The Little Princess, Cassandra Gaisford is a global best-seller.
Why Doesn’t Mummy Love Me? is an inspiring story and personal development guide for girls with themes on self-love, self-esteem, self-reliance and resilience.
This book is especially for you if you’re:
What readers say
“A really good story. Very real and relatable…
I love that the Transformational Super Kids stories have a real rhythm to them that makes for easy reading for a child. Too often, I think stories along these lines still put the onus on the reader to change themselves to somehow appease the other person. Cassandra did not. In a very subtle way she has got across that the mother’s behaviour was unacceptable and that Annie caring about herself was not selfish but necessary. And lastly, the talk of being a magic mummy has a real sparkle to it – something a child could imagine doing and a helpful way out of a difficult situation.”
~ Laura V.
I’m super excited to let you know the audio version of my new release. Why Doesn’t Mummy Love Me, is now available from Kobo (and other retailers and libraries too>>https://www.kobo.com/us/en/audiobook/why-doesn-t-mummy-love-me. Listen to a free sample or purchase today:)
Suitable for children of all ages…yes, big kids too!
THOSE PAPERBACK AND EBOOK LINKS AGAIN:
To enjoy your copy from Amazon, click here:
viewbook.at/WhyDoesntMummyLoveMe
To enjoy your copy from iBooks, Barnes & Noble and other great bookstores, click here: https://books2read.com/u/38MdW6
To enjoy your copy from Kobo, click here:
https://www.kobo.com/en/ebook/why-doesn-t-my-mummy-love-me
ENJOY!
P.S. Are you being bullied? Heed the call for courage. You’ll love the first book in the series, The Little Princess.
To read the first book in Cassandra’s Transformational Super Kids series, The Little Princess:
Amazon:
To purchase the eBook on Apple, Barnes, and Noble, Kobo and other online stores>>
https://books2read.com/u/b5709p
To purchase the eBook on Kobo >>
https://www.kobo.com/nz/en/ebook/the-little-princess-7
AUDIOBOOKS
USA
https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Little-Princess-Audiobook/B07WPH2KML
UK
https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/The-Little-Princess-Audiobook/B07WXPMFGC
Australia
https://www.audible.com.au/pd/The-Little-Princess-Audiobook/B07WYGKB5R
If you like my work you can support me on Ko-fi>>ko-fi.com/youinspireme
You might like:
Do you feel guilty for wanting more from your career and life?
How Not to Let Things That Make You Sad Get in the Way of Being Happy
Why Being Inspired Matters: The Spontaneous Fulfillment and Healing Power of Joy
Here are three more things you might like:
Interesting interviews: Listen to my best interviews on topics like overcoming obstacles, finding joy in adversity, following your passion to prosperity.
Online Course: Find Your Passion and Purpose with my best-selling self-paced course made for busy people.
Keynote speaking: Hire me to speak to your organization or team about Resilience, wellbeing, innovation, and motivation.
You can get more of my thoughts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
For personalized help schedule a session with Cassandra here >>
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Posted in: Achieving goals, Blog, coping with personal problems, Counseling, Creativity, Excerpt, How to find your passion and purpose, Latest News
Tags: alcohol addiction, career counselling, Changing careers, creativity, depression, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, suicide
ABOUT CASSANDRA
I am an artist, storyteller, intuitive guide, mentor and Reiki master. All my creations are infused with positive energy , inspiration, and light. I believe in magic and the power of beauty, joy, love, purpose, and creativity to transform your life. My greatest joy is helping your realize your dreams. That makes my soul sing!
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